NI Water crisis

You’s all know what I mean.  No link required.

Our infrastructure’s not working,
Our pipeworks are broken and bursting,
We’re all getting filthy,
Laurence looks shifty
While leaks are continually spurting



Aware NI

Here is a poem for @mcgibbg who is going to jump into the Irish Sea for raise money for Aware NI, a local charity aimed at helping people who suffer from depression. A very worthwhile cause and a difficult task, especially in this weather! Go and sponsor him or at least send through a message of support!

Gavin is tough, no surprise,
He’ll leap to the cold Irish tides,
To raise money and hope,
(Touch wood that he floats!)
For Aware to change hundreds of lives.

I do BI

I do BI – to the tune of “I Will Survive”

At first users were afraid
They were petrified,
They’d never used reports
and didn’t even know BI.
But we spent so many hours
Explaining what we need and why,
We need it now,
Procure the hardware right away,
The DDM*,
It’s been designed,
We’ve built the simple staging layer
And now our source has been defined,
I should have planned my warehouse more
And build in more integrity,
If I’d known that I had duplicates
Within my primary key,

Ok now go, build ETL*
Make your dimensions,
Get fact tables done as well,
Can you convert this horrid timestamp to a date,
Can you un-pivot
On the products and the sales?
Can you define,
These KPI’s?
As long as I can lookup
Then facts can be derived.
I’ve got to aggregate,
I’ve got my job-steam to create
I’ll do BI,
I’ll do BI.

It took all the books I’d read
Just to make a chart,
No matter what I did
The data, it just fell apart
I spent oh so many nights
Just writing MDX myself
It made me cry,
The drops downs could not be aligned,
And you see here
The gauges too,
In a lovely range of colours
That I made for you
So if you think it may need changed
Or isn’t working properly
Or you’ve dreamed up more requirements
Well don’t send them on to me.


*DDM – Data Definition Model

ETL – Extract, Transform Load.


A poem for the lovely CC from @swmcc about the misfortune of sharing one’s birthday with someone else’s birthday.

Your present supplies are depleted,
Just one day a year you are treated,
The timings a mismatch,
Your birthday’s on Christmas,
I’m quite sure you feel rather cheated!

But lo, it provides good excuses,
To acquire whatever one chooses,
No cost too expensive,
No size is expansive,
Your misfortune may come with its uses!


One on astrobiology for the very smart and sciencey Mark Booth :D


We’ve a lab on every space station,
Our prayerbook is just Drakes equation,
Brushing dust off our space-ships
There’s never no field trips,
Just hours spent in star observation.

We are seeking for creatures in vain,
With no proteins or RNA chains,
No water transpired,
No carbon required,
Our meager biology shamed!


Overpaid Hookers

For @terminaldude who wanted a poem about a hooker, with double points if I used the words overpaid. I personally think there’s far more challenging and risqué words I could have used. Like bondage. Not much rhymes with bondage.


I once met this girl, what a looker,
Turns out she’s an overpaid hooker,
When I asked for a date
I found out a bit late,
Two hundred down-payment to book her.


Drama Facilitators

A poem about drama facilitatos for @RosiePelan who seems to know her acting melarky quite well!

Drama facilitators* give motivation,
When your acting is graceless and brazen,
Your thespian side,
Has curled up and died,
And your playwrite requires inspiration.

*I can’t make the word “facilitation” or “facilitator” fir the rhyme pattern of a limerick. This is the best I could do without making words up. If facilitator only had two syllables we’d be good to go.

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