You’s all know what I mean. No link required.
Our infrastructure’s not working,
Our pipeworks are broken and bursting,
We’re all getting filthy,
Laurence looks shifty
While leaks are continually spurting
NI Water crisis
30 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Famous, Just plain weird Tags: crisis, northern ireland, pipes, water
Aware NI
29 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Science Tags: @mcgibbg, aware ni, swim
Here is a poem for @mcgibbg who is going to jump into the Irish Sea for raise money for Aware NI, a local charity aimed at helping people who suffer from depression. A very worthwhile cause and a difficult task, especially in this weather! Go and sponsor him or at least send through a message of support!
Gavin is tough, no surprise,
He’ll leap to the cold Irish tides,
To raise money and hope,
(Touch wood that he floats!)
For Aware to change hundreds of lives.
I do BI
24 Dec 2010 2 Comments
in Jobs Tags: bi, business intelligence, mdx, parody
I do BI – to the tune of “I Will Survive”
At first users were afraid
They were petrified,
They’d never used reports
and didn’t even know BI.
But we spent so many hours
Explaining what we need and why,
We need it now,
Procure the hardware right away,
The DDM*,
It’s been designed,
We’ve built the simple staging layer
And now our source has been defined,
I should have planned my warehouse more
And build in more integrity,
If I’d known that I had duplicates
Within my primary key,
Ok now go, build ETL*
Make your dimensions,
Get fact tables done as well,
Can you convert this horrid timestamp to a date,
Can you un-pivot
On the products and the sales?
Can you define,
These KPI’s?
As long as I can lookup
Then facts can be derived.
I’ve got to aggregate,
I’ve got my job-steam to create
I’ll do BI,
I’ll do BI.
It took all the books I’d read
Just to make a chart,
No matter what I did
The data, it just fell apart
I spent oh so many nights
Just writing MDX myself
It made me cry,
The drops downs could not be aligned,
And you see here
The gauges too,
In a lovely range of colours
That I made for you
So if you think it may need changed
Or isn’t working properly
Or you’ve dreamed up more requirements
Well don’t send them on to me.
*DDM – Data Definition Model
ETL - Extract, Transform Load.
CC
23 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
A poem for the lovely CC from @swmcc about the misfortune of sharing one’s birthday with someone else’s birthday.
Your present supplies are depleted,
Just one day a year you are treated,
The timings a mismatch,
Your birthday’s on Christmas,
I’m quite sure you feel rather cheated!
But lo, it provides good excuses,
To acquire whatever one chooses,
No cost too expensive,
No size is expansive,
Your misfortune may come with its uses!
Astrobiology
23 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Jobs, Science Tags: astrobiology, carbon, mark booth, science, space
One on astrobiology for the very smart and sciencey Mark Booth 
We’ve a lab on every space station,
Our prayerbook is just Drakes equation,
Brushing dust off our space-ships
There’s never no field trips,
Just hours spent in star observation.
We are seeking for creatures in vain,
With no proteins or RNA chains,
No water transpired,
No carbon required,
Our meager biology shamed!
Overpaid Hookers
22 Dec 2010 1 Comment
in Jobs Tags: @terminaldude, hooker, sex
For @terminaldude who wanted a poem about a hooker, with double points if I used the words overpaid. I personally think there’s far more challenging and risqué words I could have used. Like bondage. Not much rhymes with bondage.
I once met this girl, what a looker,
Turns out she’s an overpaid hooker,
When I asked for a date
I found out a bit late,
Two hundred down-payment to book her.
Drama Facilitators
22 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Jobs Tags: @rosiepelan, acting, drama
A poem about drama facilitatos for @RosiePelan who seems to know her acting melarky quite well!
Drama facilitators* give motivation,
When your acting is graceless and brazen,
Your thespian side,
Has curled up and died,
And your playwrite requires inspiration.
*I can’t make the word “facilitation” or “facilitator” fir the rhyme pattern of a limerick. This is the best I could do without making words up. If facilitator only had two syllables we’d be good to go.
Libya
15 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Famous Tags: @opinionatedgee, gaddafi, libya
My friend @opinionatedgeek wanted a limerick about Libya. He got one about Gaddafi instead : D
Libya
Geoff journeyed to Libya far,
To see mosques and the Med and bazaars,
He was rather happy,
Spotting Colonel Gaddafi,
And his full Amazonian Guard.
The orange faced ladies of Belfast.
13 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Just plain weird Tags: @swmcc, makeup
A poem by request for @swmcc who wanted one about the poor orange faced ladies of Belfast.
Your face is all orange and sticky,
Your makeup applied far too thickly,
That tangerine glow,
From your head to your toes,
Makes you look like your liver is sickly.
Get back to triahtlon!
12 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Sport Tags: @igglepiggle2, cycling, running, swimming, triathlon
Lots of sporty requests recently, good to see everyone keeping their training up in winter not least of all @igglepiggle2 who needs encouragement to get back to triathlon!
Julie, get back to your training,
Your drive is seemingly waning,
It’s even more fun
Now winter’s begun
In the cold and the dark while it’s raining!
Your schedule will look so inciting
Now we’re lacking in natural lighting,
A’ running you’ll go
In a half foot of snow
And a cycle through storms, how exciting!
