Slightly less misery today.
Aimed for more sleep and to get up a little earlier. Not sure if it’s working. I am still tempted just to go to sleep again. Bed is warm, I feel discombobulated and confused. Thinking is troublesome; I keep stopping and staring into space. Not alert, not together but at least I am up! Is everyone so groggy and sad?
01 Aug 2013 Leave a Comment
Slightly less misery today.
31 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Not so bad.
Still not 100% amazing but better. Aimed for closer to seven hours sleep as oppose to six, but my body fought it hard and kept me awake. I woke up a bit earlier to try and hit the gym again. When I woke up I was disorientated and my eyes were sticky. I dreaded putting my feet outside of the bed because I knew I’d be stumbling about, but I did it anyway.
Went straight to the loo, then drank a pint of water and ate some nuts and seeds I’d left beside my bed.
Psyching myself up for the gym. Getting there. Want to do this.
30 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Along with feeling tired and groggy, I’ve a massive crick in my neck that I’m trying to iron out. I woke up before my alarm again today and just lay thinking about the world. It’s the sunlight that’s doing it. I think it helped make me awake. Writing this helps too. When I wake up I feel confused and almost shocked that it’s morning. My eyes are glued shut. Cant walk. I need to start at my head and consider all the bits of my body. It gets confusing and I become sad. Most certainly less grumpy today, just a bit depressed and sleepy.
25 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Woke up today feeling good. I put this down to:
Waking up before alarm
Sunlight coming in
Rain and drop and temperature
Lying in bed awake for 10/15 mins before attempting anything
Reminding myself why I need to get out of bed
I got the same amount of sleep (about six and a half hours) yet I feel so good waking up an hour and a half later than normal.
Better get on with my day!
23 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
When I woke up today it was like being kicked in the stomach. Hit with a wave of sadness, dragged out of sleep. So warm too, even when you wake up the heat is sweltering, destructive.
I can’t reconcile how soft, open and relaxed I feel at night with this terrible morning creature. No matter how tired I am, I always come around at night. I feel more content, more able to work. Then come mornings, all sharp and confusing and rough. Can’t process much, can’t think much.
The initial kick of sadness has passed. That’s half the battle. I’m now sitting here writing and visualising getting out of bed, washed, dressed, food, bike. I am sure other people don’t go through this every damn day.
18 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Again today I woke up feeling not too bad. Convinced the sunlight helped. Although I woke up less tired and miserable, one of my friends came round last night and we shared some rum. Not too much. However, this had the effect of making me feel functionally equivalent to some chewing gum on the pavement. I am very lucky in that I rarely get a physical hangover, but the emotional fallout is shocking. Last time I had a drink I opened my eyes the next day and started crying.
The alcohol means that my self esteem has just plummeted. I am working from home today for a number of reasons – on the practical side, I have a chiropractor appointment at 10ish and also there’s one of those wee slips for a missed delivery so I can pick that up. Mainly I just woke up and knew I’d struggle to leave bed. The hardest bit is preparing myself for the world (washed, dressed, brush hair) and social interactions. I find these difficult. Even more of a struggle when I’m fighting some sort of inner battle – this is what my energy needs to go towards, not socialising.
17 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Easier today again.
Having light come in really helps. I woke up a few mins before alarm going off – can’t say I am thrilled at the prospect of dragging myself out of bed and getting dressed but it’s easier than usual. Still yawny and eyes sticky. When I reached to get computer I nearly fell out of bed. Stumbling.
Kept curtains open for the light. I suspect that not only does this reset my circadian rhythm but the fact I woke up before alarm meant I had my twenty minutes “coming round” time. Really need a better alarm clock that wakes me slowly.
Drowsy but I will come round. Up later than usual reading interesting books, my own fault. Lovely lovely evenings. Last night at 0130 I felt perfect. Didn’t want to sleep, wanted to think and read. Polar opposite of how I feel right now and how I will feel until 11ish. I have a meeting at 11. Wouldn’t dare have one earlier as I know I’d be a mess.
16 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Feels better today.
Think it’s because I woke up about an hour ago to go to the loo or something but much less emotional pain today than usual. Eyes still feel stuck, still falling over when I walk, still feel tired and yawning but the sense of misery and inevitable doom is not there.
This this feels more coherent too. Wonder why. I am glad I don’t have real pain and misery to wake up to, and recent events with friends has put it all in perspective.
Waking up is still slow. Not sure how some people can just wake up peaceful and gently alert. Alarm clock has to go.
Better today, without a doubt.
12 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
Today was easier, when my 0728 alarm went off I just rolled over and slept.
Feel much more at ease now. Seven hours sleep, woke up at 1056. Stayed up late reading and chatting. Was able to get out of bed much better. This is a much more civilised time of day. Feel together, peaceful, alert, open. Was able to get coffee and porridge straight away, able to open laptop and approach the world much more rationally and sensibly.
Really happy not to wake up ranty and moaning and griping at everything. Even better to wake up slowly, spend a long time coming together, gently reading the news and personal emails. After an hour of this I’ll feel much more able to think about getting dressed and interacting with people. Three hours is about perfect to prepare for human interactions. My appetite feels better, my IBS is much less, less racing heart. Good. Why can’t every day be an 11am day?
11 Jul 2013 Leave a Comment
WHERE DID ALL THIS PAIN COME FROM
WHY DOES TODAY HAVE TO HAPPEN.
The hardest thing I’m gonna do today is put my feet on the floor. I am trying to mentally visualise getting up, getting dressed and being happy but it doesn’t work. it never works. No matter how hard I try to visualise it I can’t seem to associate getting up with being happy. The connections never form.
Slow, slow slow. Mornings are so slow. Does anyone really feel like their first waking moments are the worst in the world. Have to get up. Have 9am appointment. Where is everything? Can’t I just hire someone to feed me and wash me and dress me in the morning? My alarm clock is traumatic. I need something better, one of those light alarms or something. The alarm noise actually gives me palpitations and panic attacks. Such a heavy sleeper though, worried a light alarm might not wake me. It’s all so sudden and fast and all I want is slow and quiet right now, for maybe the next two hours.
Fast is for the evenings. Think straight, think fast, creative, productive. Night time is good. Focus. Mornings are pain, lack of concentration, Yawns. Anger. Snappy.
I’ve tortured myself here for nearly 20 mins. Get up!